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Q. I'm a single mother. I have three children, Caitlin, 7, Tom, 9 and Liam aged 11. I don't have problems with Cait, but the two boys are making life difficult. Tom apparently behaves well at school, but has learning problems. When he gets home he often throws temper tantrums. Liam acts as if he hates me. He doesn't show me any affection and is extremely rude. Tom's dad died when he was a baby, and Liam's father doesn't visit him. I need to find out what I'm doing wrong, since I'm so stressed all of the time. A. I'm sorry you're having problems with them. We all expect parenting to be fun and rewarding, at least most of the time. First, stop blaming yourself as it won't accomplish a thing. Just like anyone else, you have most likely made lots of bad decisions. It doesn't matter. The big question is what do you do now, to make the best of what you have? Remember too that your daughter is fine, so your mothering skills must be on the right track. It's also great that one of your sons is doing well at school. It's encouraging that he can work there, even with learning problems. You should definitely check in with his school, though, and find out how hard it is for him. It could be that he brings all his troubles home where he can vent his frustrations. Both sons are probably feeling the lack of their dads. It is very difficult to work on this. In some ways it is probably easier for the younger one. "A dead dad is better than an uncaring dad" since there is no ongoing rejection involved. Obviously there is not much you can do about the absent dad. All you can do is be matter of fact about it. Don't try to defend him, nor overly criticise him - if you do the former, your son will feel you are taking the "loser dad's " side instead of his. If you criticise him, your son will rush to defend him, after all, he is his dad. You can only change yourself, not the children. Think about how you could be different in order to make your life more peaceful. It may surprise you to know that if you appear more positive, it will rub off on them. If you keep things the way they are, nothing will ever change. Above all, believe in yourself and your children. Look to the future instead of the past, and decide how you want to be. Think only of the positive, rather than of what you don't want. Instead of worrying, think about the happy outcomes to come. You won't get there in a day, but watch those baby steps. They will add up and take you to your destination. Improvement will take some effort, but so does your present life. You will get there if you remain determined.
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Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and also frequently writes for Yes Parenting website. This and other unique content parenting articles are available with free reprint rights.
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