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Nothing creates adult anger like children lying. It's ironic since it's usually adults who set the child up to lie. This is how it works: Mum heard that Greg was seen throwing stones at another child: "Hi Greg, what have you been doing today?" [Why would I tell you if you don't know for sure?] "What do you mean? I haven't been doing anything", he replies looking innocent but confused. Were you throwing stones at the new girl?" [Maybe there's still hope I can pull this off.] "No", he answers incredulous that you would even suspect him. "Interesting, since Mavis said you did." "Well it wasn't me, it was some other kid." [Surely she will believe her son before a neighbour!] "She sounded positive that it was you, Greg." "Well, she's wrong, it wasn't me!" First Mum tempts him to lie to wriggle out of it, and she corners him with the lie. It is showdown time. What will Mum do? Is she confident that Mavis is totally reliable? Or is there some shadow of doubt? Greg seems to be pretty insistent, what if it was some other kid? If she lets him off, she will have to apologise for doubting him. If she convicts him, it will be double punishments, one for lying and one for throwing stones. Just about any child will lie to avoid getting into trouble with an authority figure. As a parent, you need to be the one to encourage honesty and truth. Part of doing this is to let him know the benefits of truth-telling. Lay a strong foundation of truth and honesty in your family. Don't ever lie yourself. Start looking for honesty and truthfulness. Keep talking about the importance of building a solid reputation. Also, notice and reward your child when he is honest. Continue to show that honesty is a Good Thing, and will reap rewards. The next time you suspect your child of something, remain calm. If you know what they have done, do not ask them, "Did you do it?" Why tempt them? Tell them what you know, and dish out the consequences. Here is a way to have them tell the truth more easily: "Hi Greg, I was talking with Mavis this afternoon, and she told me about something that she saw. I would like to hear your version. Why don't you go away and think it over for 15 minutes. Don't forget how much we value honesty in our home." This gives Greg the chance to settle down and think about his problem. He can dig a deeper hole for himself, or he can tell his mum the truth. If he decides to take the honest route, be sure to praise him. If he sticks to the lie, then punish him both for lying and for the deed. When things quiet down, sit down with Greg and talk about what feelings may have led up to the incident. Maybe he was angry, envious, or insecure. Tell him that those feelings are natural and okay to feel, but that still doesn't excuse behaving badly. Be patient with him. He won't be willing to talk with you until he knows that you aren't' going to get excited and yell at him.
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Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and is a frequent contributor to Yes Parenting website. Get a unique version of this article from our parenting article directory
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