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Q. "How can I help my 7 year old son? He is so shy that he hardly talks to anyone other than family members". A. Although some children are, by nature, slow to warm up, that does not mean that they cannot overcome their fears and anxieties. The trick is to start from where they are at, and build from success to success. Look for things he likes to do and is good at. This will build self- confidence. He will also have more things to talk about. If you can find things for him to do, involving others, better still. Don't force him to do anything, but also don't make it easy for him to get out of it. A lot of time children will say they don't want to do something, even when they know inside that they'll have a great time. Deliberately set up some social situations as learning experiences for him. Start with easy ones and then build up. For example, going to the movies with a friend is dead easy - they sit in the dark and don't have to talk to each other at all! Yet they can have fun together. Structure some activities for him that involve a few other people. Each time he gains a little confidence, plan another that is slightly more difficult. Plan these events knowing that he will do well, and then stop while it's still fun. This will make everyone want to do it again. Make the social situations revolve around things he likes to do. For example if he enjoys computer games, invite a friend over. Start with one and the next time invite two or three. The kids will like talking about and playing the games together. When you visit adults, you can lead the conversation by telling of your son's latest exploits on his computer game. Allow him to correct you on details, or to fill in on the intricacies of beating the Bad Boss on level 4. You could prime the adults with suggestions about what to talk about. If he chooses not to talk, don't force him but don't make excuses for him It's his choice to talk or not. Try drawing him into conversations. You might ask him something like, "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion?". This is an open ended question and will be easy for him to answer and elaborate on. Don't make it difficult for him by asking something that just requires a one word answer, or ask about something that's hard for him. It will take time, but your son will find confidence in talking and being around people. Gradually, he'll take more chances and talk about things he isn't so sure of. If you help him to make talking fun, then he'll do it more. Conversely, if it's hard or embarrasses him, then he'll do it less. Don't ever call him "shy". It will just reinforce his own belief about himself, and never change. It could even become an excuse as to why he can't do things. Focus on his strong qualities such as gentleness, kindness, and being polite. Just remain positive and affirming and he should be fine.
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