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Q. "My son's father left us five years ago. Since then, I have remarried to a lovely man. David, my husband, has tried hard to make friends with Nathan, and left all the disciplining to me. Yet, though we have been married three years, my son still refuses to do anything that my husband asks. How do I get him to listen to his step father?" A. Children often feel at fault when their parents divorce, even though the problems are with the adults. Nathan most likely sees the situation as his dad leaving him, rather than you. If his dad doesn't visit, or is sporadic about it, this will only reinforce Nathan's belief. He feels abandoned, guilty and also angry. His biggest fear is probably that you will leave him too. Having another man in the house only intensifies the problems. Nathan now knows that his parents won't be getting back together. It also means that David is getting attention from you as well. When you were single, he had you all to himself. No wonder he feels terrible. Perhaps Nathan got on really well with David before you married. At that stage, he was just Mum's boyfriend. Then, he was fun to have around, and never tried to act bossy. Now he is living in the house like he owns it. Becoming a parental figure after being a visitor can be problematic. The main thing for you to do is be completely honest and open. Take the time to sit down and talk with him on a regular basis. Sometimes you and Nathan should talk alone, and then Nathan and David should talk. At other times, all three of you should converse. Be sure to invite any other children you may have into these discussions. There are a couple of important points to be aware of: first let Nathan know that you understand that he's upset and resentful. Then tell him that David will never replace his father. It's perfectly normal for Nathan to miss and love his dad, even if you don't. Do your best to remain matter-of- fact about your divorce, and don't include any children in disagreements between you and your ex. Make it clear, also, that David is here because you love him and want him in the family. This does not mean that you love Nathan any less. Also, for Nathan to like David does not mean that he is being disloyal to Dad. Finally, make it quite clear that you have given full authority to David to have parental authority in the home. What David says is what goes. Do not allow Nathan to come to you to try to undermine decisions that David has made. Even if you disagree with what David has said you will need to back him up in public. Then when you are alone with him, you can sort out your disagreement. Nathan must see and hear that you are both completely united, and that you will back up David one hundred percent.
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